All I want is PEACE.

The past few weeks I've felt God stretching and working out more junk from within me than in a long time... He's shining a light into the deep corners of my heart and showing me stuff that isn't very pretty. :( I'm so selfish. I believed that my motives were 100% pure, but he's showing me how much of a self-preserver and self-lover I really am. Where I would tell myself that I was being a peacemaker in trying to resolve a conflict, God is gently showing me that part of my motive in wanting peace is a deep desire to be liked by everyone...

How do I move away from that?!?!? I'm seeing how crippled I can be at times with wanting to be in good standing with everyone... I can tell my mind that it's just not logical, not possible to be liked by everyone all the time (and believing that I'm just THAT likable is more of a battle with ego, don't you think?). I mean, who am I?!? What makes me so much more special that I could be loved by all and not have to encounter rejection, heartache, and judgement from other people? That's just not reality, even if I'm living the life that Christ wants for me.

I know that God blesses a peacemaker - I'm just starting to understand that "peacemaker" is all about heart and focus, and not as much about the action itself of keeping the peace. I believe a true peacemaker has a motive of wanting to express the love of Jesus to those around him/her, with NO TWINGE of a motive of self preservation mixed in there(like me).

Lord, help me work through this. Help me to learn in my heart what a Godly peacemaker really is. Help me not to place so much of my self value in how accepted I am by other people. Help me Lord to trust you with my every moment, to only go where You want me to go... To only say what You want me to say... and to become the type of PEACEMAKER that you desire for me to be - a peacemaker that doesn't promote peace to benefit myself in the eyes of other people.

Amen.