Fighting with the Cellophane

There is one thing that drives me crazy in the kitchen - cellophane. It makes me feel like an incompotent two year old each time I bring out the tube and rip off a piece. I try to make it stick over a glass dish of leftovers that I'd like to have for lunch the next day, but it ends up on a ball on the counter. I try to use it on certain dishes I have, and the stuff won't stick to anything (internal shout - 'what's the point of this stupid plastic wrap if it sticks to what I don't want it to, and it doesn't stick to my dishes?!??!!') Between the ripping and the sticking, I totally botch it up somehow. PLUS - the whole thing just feels messy, clingy, and takes a lot more effort to accomplish than what I wanted to give. (Right about this point is when I'd toss it and grab tupperware.)

The struggle to be a transparent person feels just the same. I remember growing up in church and feeling like I was in a room full of barbie and ken dolls - everyone wanted to be seen as the happy, prosperous person. No one dared express pain or hardship. Instead they just quoted a skewed, uber-christian, church-fabricated statement about faith and quickly changed the conversation. Somewhere along the line I developed the belief that we as Christians are supposed to rise above everything, not at all affected by situations and circumstances - which is partly true, but I thought (based on the examples around me) that meant we had to put on the plastic smile, hold it together and bury our heads in the sand like ostriches... There was a truth that was perversed into something unnatural, unobtainable, and imprisoning. Over the past few years I feel like I've been in recovery from that very mindset. I know in my heart that I want to be real and open with those around me, willing to share my hurts, failures and challenges along with my joys, successes and dreams. I have that deep desire to really relate with someone, to know that I'm not alone.

So, on one hand I'm desperate for REAL connection with REAL people, who don't have it all together but who are walking through their journeys with God hand in hand. on the other hand, the idea of being transparent and authentic is pretty frightening because it means I have to take risks with the people around me, revealing my whole heart and risking judgement or rejection. It's hard to break out of this mold that I grew up in of striving to be the uber-christian.

Our small group was challenged tonight with a question... What can you do (relating to your faith) to increase your power and influence? I know what the answer to that is for me: more transparency. For me, being completely transparent is an opportunity to bring people along on my journey with me. They're mentors, observers, fellow pilgrims, and passersby. By truly opening up, God can work in and through me exponentially more than if I had a plastic mask on... It really offers a freedom that I cannot describe, a heavy burden lifted. AND - as a bonus (because God is so cool this way), there's also an opportunity that God can reach other people through me sharing my journey!

The trick is - not to get frustrated or give up on the transparency process just because it's getting a little messy, clingy, and requiring a lot more energy than I had wanted to give... Sound familiar?

Daring to Dream

Dreams are such scary things. You have to be willing to stamp your name on a far-fetched, sometimes highly unlikely, even HOPELESS grasp to an alternate reality at the risk of looking like a complete fool and modeling a new dimension of failure to your friends and complete strangers.

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my dreams are... I mean, I've gotta have some, right??!!? I feel that within the dark recesses of my heart I have hidden aspirations and desires that I've buried sooo deep, I've almost forgotten what they are.

I can't even make my self write anything down onto paper. That seems like such a ridiculous thing to me (and right now I'm already thinking of what a shrink would say about that... Shrink friends: not a word!) It's like writers block. I've tried narrowing it down to time frames like "within the next year", or 5, or 10, or 50... I've tried specific topics like family, job, kids, music, even future vacations. Except for the last one, my paper is crisp, clean, blank stinking white.

I feel like I'd be betraying myself, sharing a shameful secret. If I admitted that I dream big dreams, does that make me any less capable of a person? Does that mean that I'm not grounded? Or am I trying to have too much control over my future by trying to identify all the possible directions I could go and attempt to pre-plan it all?

I debate with myself about this way too often. In fact, I think I debate with myself more about this than I do actually identifying what dreams I might have... It's a huge struggle for me. On top of that, I throw into the mix questions about God and how He's supposed to fit into this equation. My equation. And I know in my spirit that I'm doing this all wrong.

My head and my spirit know that the world is full of possibilities, and God doesn't know how to dream small - He always does it big. He is the creator of the most rewarding and enjoyable unexpected adventures. I know that I need to release the reins and seek after God, asking Him to reveal to me a glimpse of His plan... That I should embrace His dreams, His plan for my future rather than trying to forge my own... But HOW do you do that? Really??!?! Without giving the standard 'pray' answer. Perhaps I need to grow in FAITH, trusting myself and God in me when I hear direction that it's really from Him, and then taking steps of Faith to pursue it?

How do you let God dream big for you?

Honoring Troops & Sleeping

This past weekend was Memorial Day. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I value the holiday more because I get to have more 'me' time than out of honor and support of veterans and current military service people... Isn't that selfish of me!?!?! It seems so superficial to say that, yet I wouldn't be authentic if I didn't speak honestly about it. Case in Point:

This past weekend, I spent more time sleeping than any other weekend I can remember! Tucker, Zack and I went out to the farm on Friday night with the intent of working on the crops a bit on Saturday, shooting, etc - but it was so hot!!! So, instead of joining the guys outside with the ammunitions, I stayed inside the dark, air-conditioned loft and dazed in and out of sleep while watching movies (BTW - Prince Caspian is still great!). Then, Sunday after church we came back home, ate lunch, and took another nap... THEN on Memorial Day Monday, we stayed at home, had a private cook out, then took (yes, it's true) ANOTHER NAP in the late afternoon! (I DID work on the house, doing chores and even a little bit of yard work - but still...) I slept SO WELL and woke up so energized this morning!!!

...but what did I do between all those Zzzzs to honor those who have served and sacrificed for my freedom?!!? Zilch. Nada. Nothing.

I feel acutely kin to my generation of entitlement and self-absorbed existance today. That feels so ugly, and it's gotta change. I don't want that to be part of who I am.

This week, I need to find a way to honor others ahead of myself... any ideas? Help me out.

Rebecca Palmatier