Dreams are such scary things. You have to be willing to stamp your name on a far-fetched, sometimes highly unlikely, even HOPELESS grasp to an alternate reality at the risk of looking like a complete fool and modeling a new dimension of failure to your friends and complete strangers.
Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my dreams are... I mean, I've gotta have some, right??!!? I feel that within the dark recesses of my heart I have hidden aspirations and desires that I've buried sooo deep, I've almost forgotten what they are.
I can't even make my self write anything down onto paper. That seems like such a ridiculous thing to me (and right now I'm already thinking of what a shrink would say about that... Shrink friends: not a word!) It's like writers block. I've tried narrowing it down to time frames like "within the next year", or 5, or 10, or 50... I've tried specific topics like family, job, kids, music, even future vacations. Except for the last one, my paper is crisp, clean, blank stinking white.
I feel like I'd be betraying myself, sharing a shameful secret. If I admitted that I dream big dreams, does that make me any less capable of a person? Does that mean that I'm not grounded? Or am I trying to have too much control over my future by trying to identify all the possible directions I could go and attempt to pre-plan it all?
I debate with myself about this way too often. In fact, I think I debate with myself more about this than I do actually identifying what dreams I might have... It's a huge struggle for me. On top of that, I throw into the mix questions about God and how He's supposed to fit into this equation. My equation. And I know in my spirit that I'm doing this all wrong.
My head and my spirit know that the world is full of possibilities, and God doesn't know how to dream small - He always does it big. He is the creator of the most rewarding and enjoyable unexpected adventures. I know that I need to release the reins and seek after God, asking Him to reveal to me a glimpse of His plan... That I should embrace His dreams, His plan for my future rather than trying to forge my own... But HOW do you do that? Really??!?! Without giving the standard 'pray' answer. Perhaps I need to grow in FAITH, trusting myself and God in me when I hear direction that it's really from Him, and then taking steps of Faith to pursue it?
How do you let God dream big for you?
Rebecca, this is so heartfelt and genuine- thank you for sharing it..I know exactly what you feel about dreaming big..and it can be so scary, especially when you serve a God who wants to us in big ways!
ReplyDeleteI love to dream with the Lord though too. I picture he and I sitting at the well like the samaratin woman did in the Bible. He and I talk about the plans that he has, and he always encourages me that I can do it. I sometimes can't help but feel like the samartin woman did that day, not realizing that I should be asking him for the living water, but that I've only asked him for a drink of the water that will quench my momentary desire and thrill..
But he wants us to have that living water, I know he does- and I believe that part of that is doing the things that he did and more- so we should dream big!
I want that living water and I want to choose not to be satisfied with the plans/desires that I have that merely quench the thirst for a bit instead of a lifetime..
Drink Deep!
Emily